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Stole this from a Russian website. Seemed like the right thing to do, amiright?

How to Carve Up the Beached Great White Whale That Is Facebook

The knives are already out.

So, go get your data.

Log into your Facebook account (mine was deactivated, but I just this week deleted it, hopefully permanently; on the Web I’m doubtful anything is ever really gone), download your archive (mine went back to 2008) and, if you’re feeling particularly brave, shitcan the whole thing.

Ooooh that feels good, ya think?

The archives amazingly had the timeline of all my status updates. When I started Facebook it was March 2008. Two months later I fell in love with a neighbor and my mother died. Four months after that Dad followed Mom. It was a watershed year — one that I’m still recovering from. So going back to that period because of the Facebook-Cambridge Analytica debacle — well, it comes at a propitious time.

It feels like change is in the air. And I’m hoping that’s a good thing.

So let’s review those Greatest Status Update Hits, in chronological order, you know, just for old time’s sake:

Tues. March 18, 2008

…isn’t entirely sure this is a good use of time.

Tues. May 20, 2008

…is at still amazed people find this shit amusing

Wed. July 9, 2008

…is musing that virtual happy hours really suck.

Thurs. Aug. 28, 2008

…wonders if you’d like TPaw sauce or extra Lieberman on your McCain burger. Romney will cost you extra

Fri. Sept. 5, 2008

…goes to the peace palace tonight

Sun. Sept. 7, 2008

…is going to Florida this week to bury his father

Sun. Sept. 14, 2008

…is at Dad’s memorial service at Boca Grande United Methodist Church.

Sun. Sept. 21, 2008

…has determined the feng shui at Amore has definitely impacted their business

Sat. Sept. 27, 2008 at 10:16pm CDT

…is regretting he put on Son of Rambow. Huh Huh.

Fri. Oct. 10, 2008

…sez “You can always bake banana bread.”

Tues. Oct. 14, 2008

…had the kind of day that, well, if you could believe it you still wouldn’t believe it

Thurs. Oct. 16, 2008

…thinks that “decisions should rest in the hands of the states. I’m a federalist.” WTF?

Fri. Oct. 17, 2008 7:59pm CDT

…sez…it’s Banana Bread Part Deux

Mon. Oct. 20, 2008

…is just back from hanging with his honey

Sun. Oct. 26, 2008 11:50am CDT

…sez “weather in Minnesota is a series of temporary setbacks”

Sun. Oct. 26, 2008 10:58pm CDT

…is deciding whether Jesus trumps alcohol

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Facebook image I posted in 2008, from Adrienne Rich’s “Dreams Before Waking” (1983).

Wed. Oct. 29, 2008

…eschews populist obscurantism

Fri. Oct. 31, 2008 3:55pm CDT

…realizes adrenaline only gets you so far, then you have to switch to ethanol

Writer, editor, and media maker. Blogs at Completely in the Dark (www.completelydark.com) and lives in Minneapolis, MN. I notice things.

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