The knives are already out.
So, go get your data.
Log into your Facebook account (mine was deactivated, but I just this week deleted it, hopefully permanently; on the Web I’m doubtful anything is ever really gone), download your archive (mine went back to 2008) and, if you’re feeling particularly brave, shitcan the whole thing.
Ooooh that feels good, ya think?
The archives amazingly had the timeline of all my status updates. When I started Facebook it was March 2008. Two months later I fell in love with a neighbor and my mother died. Four months after that Dad followed Mom. It was a watershed year — one that I’m still recovering from. So going back to that period because of the Facebook-Cambridge Analytica debacle — well, it comes at a propitious time.
It feels like change is in the air. And I’m hoping that’s a good thing.
So let’s review those Greatest Status Update Hits, in chronological order, you know, just for old time’s sake:
Tues. March 18, 2008
…is at home
Tues. March 18, 2008
…isn’t entirely sure this is a good use of time.
Tues. May 6, 2008
…is at work
Tues. May 20, 2008
…is at still amazed people find this shit amusing
Sat. June 28, 2008
…is concerned that you need to know what he’s doing right now.
Wed. July 9, 2008
…is musing that virtual happy hours really suck.
Thurs. July 10, 2008
…is thinking, will you buy my luxurious St. Paul condo?
Thurs. Aug. 28, 2008
Sat. Aug. 30, 2008
…would like everyone to give a rousing beauty queen welcome to the “Michele Bachmann of the Yukon”!
Fri. Sept. 5, 2008
…goes to the peace palace tonight
Sat. Sept. 6, 2008
…wonders if we could please have a September BEFORE we have October?
Sun. Sept. 7, 2008
…is going to Florida this week to bury his father
Sat. Sept. 13, 2008
…is okay and wishes the best to his friends
Sun. Sept. 14, 2008
…is at Dad’s memorial service at Boca Grande United Methodist Church.
Fri. Sept. 19, 2008
…is burning old Jayhawks to iTunes and blissed out.
Sun. Sept. 21, 2008
…has determined the feng shui at Amore has definitely impacted their business
Sat. Sept. 27, 2008 at 7:14pm CDT
…is about to put on Son of Rambow
Sat. Sept. 27, 2008 at 10:16pm CDT
…is regretting he put on Son of Rambow. Huh Huh.
Wed. Oct. 8, 2008
…is having Beethoven, ironically, lift his sagging spirits
Fri. Oct. 10, 2008
…sez “You can always bake banana bread.”
Sat. Oct. 11, 2008
…is baking banana bread
Tues. Oct. 14, 2008
…had the kind of day that, well, if you could believe it you still wouldn’t believe it
Wed. Oct. 15, 2008
…is wondering if acai berry body cleanse will completely flush pounds and remove toxins safely
Thurs. Oct. 16, 2008
…thinks that “decisions should rest in the hands of the states. I’m a federalist.” WTF?
Fri. Oct. 17, 2008 11:14am CDT
…has got the sweetest love hangover
Fri. Oct. 17, 2008 7:59pm CDT
…sez…it’s Banana Bread Part Deux
Fri. Oct. 17, 2008 9:44pm CDT
…is Oh what a Lonely Boy
Mon. Oct. 20, 2008
…is just back from hanging with his honey
Fri. Oct. 24, 2008
…sez “someone please shut down the Adrenaline Bridge to Nowhere now”
Sun. Oct. 26, 2008 11:50am CDT
…sez “weather in Minnesota is a series of temporary setbacks”
Sun. Oct. 26, 2008 3:02pm CDT
…is now NOT married, but stoned in love
Sun. Oct. 26, 2008 10:58pm CDT
…is deciding whether Jesus trumps alcohol
Mon. Oct. 27, 2008
…is back to work!
Wed. Oct. 29, 2008
…eschews populist obscurantism
Fri. Oct. 31, 2008 1:43pm CDT
…is running on pure adrenaline
Fri. Oct. 31, 2008 3:55pm CDT
…realizes adrenaline only gets you so far, then you have to switch to ethanol